


Realize

by carson_leigh



Category: As the World Turns
Genre: Community: schmoop_bingo, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-14
Updated: 2011-03-14
Packaged: 2017-10-16 23:21:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/170472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carson_leigh/pseuds/carson_leigh





	Realize

Realize

 

Luke almost tripped over the box as he stepped out of the door. He bent down to pick it up and saw that it was addressed to him. There was no return address or postmark. Someone had left it outside the door. Luke looked around quickly before turning back into the house. He moved over to the desk and grabbed the letter opener cautiously opening the box. He reached inside and pulled out a journal.

“What the hell?” He muttered. Luke flipped the pages quickly, it was blank. He glanced back into the box and spotted a piece of paper at the bottom. He snatched it up and read the type written note, Something to help you get back to yourself. He was stumped. Who the hell would send him a blank journal? He hadn't written anything in over a year.

As he gazed at the journal he felt a little tingle. He had been wanting to get back to writing. He just hadn't felt inspired in along time. Luke was a little confused by the gift but also grateful. He ran his hand down the leather cover of the journal before setting it on the desk and heading out the door. He needed to be at the hospital in case this was finally the day Noah woke up.

 

Luke peaked quickly into Noah's room before entering. He moved to the side of the bed and pulled up a chair. Sitting down, he grabbed Noah's hand and sighed.

“Noah, please, I need you to wake up. I need to know that you're going to be okay.” Luke sighed again and rested his head on their joined hands. He was tired. Tired of waiting and worrying. Tired of being confused about Noah, about Reid. The thought of Reid made his gut tighten. He thought back to the kiss they had shared two days ago. He had been so angry, so confused, and he took it out on Reid. The shame of accusing Reid, of uttering such hateful and unfounded accusations, still plagued him.

The kiss, still plagued him. God, Reid's mouth was so hot. His hair so soft when he had dug his hands in there. He hadn't wanted the kiss to end. He hadn't wanted to stop anything but how could he? How could he when Noah was...when Noah was...no he couldn't . Hecouldn't. He had done the right thing. The only thing he could.

Luke lifted his head and stared at Noah. Guilt assailing him once more. Even sitting at Noah's beside he could not stop himself from thinking about Reid. What was wrong with him?

 

The second package surprised him almost as much as the first. He took a deep breathe before opening it. Nervous. He had no idea why. It was a book. A book of poems. TwentyLove Poems and a Song of Despair by Pablo Neruda. His hold tightened on the book briefly before reaching for the note. I'm not much for poetry but the title seemed appropriate. Luke chuckled softly before putting it aside. The hospital called to him once more.

Luke still felt the heat of Reid's touch on his cheek hours later. Damn his mother for interrupting. Thank God for his mother. Damn her. Once again she had made him feel guilty. Like he was betraying Noah. He wasn't. They weren't together anymore, why couldn't she understand that? Accept it? Why couldn't he?

He wanted to move on, to move past Noah and their relationship. Maybe move on to Reid. But the churning in him stomach wouldn't allow it. Wouldn't release him. He hated it. Hated himself. Hated Noah and Reid. Hated everything right now.

He stalked over the desk in the living room. Grabbed the journal and went up to his room. He sat on his bed and stared at the cover before slowly opening it up. The sight of the blank page stabbed at him.  
He should write something. Try to figure out his feelings . Putting all his feeling in black and white would help. Luke reached for a pen and than stopped. He hand hovering inches away. No, he couldn't. He wasn't ready. He didn't even know where to start. He pushed the journal off his lap and laid back. The white ceiling and bright light mocking him. He closed his eyes and tried to push everything out of his mind.

His check tingled.

 

There was another package outside his door. Pastries from his favorite bakery, two pounds of his favorite coffee beans and a note. Just a little something to brighten up your day. Luke moaned as he bite into a buttery croissant. The smell of fresh brewed coffee wafting through the air. A feeling of contentment settled over him. There might have been a little spring in his step when he left home .

He arrived at the hospital to start his daily vigil. He met Reid in the hallway and it was awkward and awful and wonderful. Reid snarked as usual and Luke gave it right back. He loved the feeling of holding his own against Reid. Knowing that he had put that half-smirk on Reid's face. It gave him a feeling of power or maybe it was empowerment. He walked away smiling, sneaking a quick look back, he met Reid's gaze and fought to keep his face neutral.

He sat next to Noah's bed and thought of bright blue eyes full of want,need and caution. It was a look he could get used to.

Then Noah woke up.

 

The conversation on the rooftop was hard. He had said what needed to be said but wasn't sure it had gotten through. Noah expected them to just start over or continue on as they had been before the accident. But that just wasn't possible. He didn't want to start over and before the accident hadn't been so great.

He loved Noah. Really he did. But loving and being in love were two different things and he wasn't sure were he stood on the being in love. Was he in love with Noah or the memory of what they had once shared? He could barely remember when they had last been truly happy. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

Than there was Reid. He had been so angry up on the roof. Luke could understand that, it was a stupid idea, he had known that from thebeginning. He thought Reid might be jealous. But that might just be wishful thinking. Was he worth being jealous over? What could he possibly offer someone like Reid? Luke had no idea but he kind o fliked the thought. If he was jealous than maybe it was more than attraction. Maybe there were real feelings there. Maybe it could be something. Maybe he was going crazy.

Luke shook his head. He was driving himself insane.

He wished that Reid would stop touching him. No,he didn't. The touches seemed to burn themselves into his skin. He could feel them hours later. The heat of his hand, the comfort and longing it inspired.

He wished he could give into that feeling. Yeah, he did.

 

Reid was so frustrating. He was finally ready to be honest with Noah and Reid said no. That it would hurt Noah's recovery. He didn't know if he really believed that or if Reid was backtracking. Did he want to have a relationship or was he just playing with his emotions? God,he was so tired of it all. Should he try again with Noah or was thata lost cause? He didn't think he even wanted to try. He was soconfused right now. He needed a sign. Something to push him one way or the other. He didn't think he was strong enough to do it on hisown.

That was his problem. He wasn't strong enough. Not strong enough to lay it all out to Noah. That it was too late. They could be friends but nothing more. Not strong enough to stand up to his mother. To tellher that he wasn't just a version of her. Holding on to a past relationship that had already slipped away. He wasn't strong enough to stand up to Reid. To tell him that this was what he wanted. That he didn't want to hide in the past anymore. He wanted a future. A future that was challenging and passionate. He deserved that future didn't he?

Yes,yes, he did. He could be strong.

He wanted to be strong for the first time in years.

 

The next morning there was a new package. It contained a flash drive and a note. Every time I hear this song I think of you. He immediately stuck the drive into his laptop. He wondered briefly if these packages should be freaking him out but shook it off. He started the song and had to fight the tears that came to his eyes.

 

 

A knock sounded at his door and he quickly shut down the laptop and wiped at his eyes. He stood a moment staring at the door trying to compose himself. The knock sounded again and he pulled the door open.

It was Reid.

“Hi.”

“Hey,”he said back. Reid looked tired. Wonderful but tired.

“Ah,can I come in?” Reid's voice was hesitant. Not at all like himself.

“Of course,” Luke replied as he stepped aside.

“Here. I brought this for you.” Reid shoved a coffee cup and a bag into Luke's hands. Luke was still for a moment before putting the coffee cup on the desk and opening the bag. A croissant from his favorite bakery. He almost crushed it in his hands before setting it down next to the coffee. He could see his hands trembling and took a deep breathe before turning to face Reid.

“So...umm,” whatever Reid was about to say was cut off by Luke's mouth. He crushed his lips against Reid's hard. Reid gasped in surprise and Luke took advantage and slid his tongue against Reid's bottom lip, asking for admittance, demanding admittance, it was granted. His hands moved up into Reid's hair, grasping, and Reid cupped his hands around Luke's face burning an imprint that would forever be there. They kissed for what seemed like hours but was only minutes before the need for air forced them apart.

Reid took a gasping breathe and his eyes softened as he looked into Luke'seyes.

“Yeah. ”He breathed.

“Yeah.” He breathed back.

 

The next day Luke sat at Java. Thinking about the decision he had made the day before. A pleased smile graced his lips as he pulled his new journal out of his messenger bag.

He finally had something to say.


End file.
